it’s been a month since spring break.
it’s been a month since i thought the world couldn’t get any better.
Since that time, my life has radically changed.
in every aspect.
I have become eerily aware of the amount of time left before i graduate. I have started to nervously look over my options for the coming months, and this next year. I have started to actually care about someone.. someone who i don’t know is totally good for me, or if it’s someone that i should just stop being close to.
Yet, there are parts of me and my feelings that i can’t seem to shed. It is these lingering thoughts and emotions that are starting to put things into perspective for me. It is in the midst of all of this, that i believe i am really starting to find myself. It is the end of junior year, summer is right around the corner, and i find myself to be a teenager who is still struggling with her sexuality, despite who she is obviously attracted to, and who she obviously is into. It is on this Monday afternoon that i find myself needing to ramble on and on about this, because it really is the only way that i can sort through all that’s going through my life at the moment.
There’s this girl. She’s amazing. really. it’s only been a couple of months, but her and I. it’s different with her and I. i don’t know where it is going to go with her. I would like to go as far as possible, explore everything that could be, despite all the challenges in our way. There’s another girl. We used to be good friends, until i messed things up. With her, there are a lot of what could have been’s. She is one of the only regrets i hold in this life.. I made a mistake, and i really do wish i could have stuck it out, had more patience, and been able to explore that situation to an even greater extent. I cared about her then, and i care about her now. It is obvious who i like more, who i admire more, hell, which one i have a larger chance with. But it is at the precipice of this issue that i find myself teetering over the edge.I feel this mass guilt in the subterranean of my brain, i feel like i’m not everything i could be for the one who i tell i could be everything to. i’m holding onto a lost dream, and i am aware of this, yet i can’t seem to let go.
These moral issues, trying to figure out who to do, and with who, along with my the decline in my studies, especially that decline… and the issue of what to do in the future, are what are holding a dark cloud over my head. I can’t think straight anymore (ha! that’s punny…). I find myself to be this mass of confusion and delirium and uncertainty, but at the same time if it is at all possible, i am also ecstatic about the things going on in my life, i am excited to see how things are going to work out, where i’m going to go in life, and how i am just ‘being’.
I don’t know where i’m going in life, where i’ll be next year, next month, or even next week. And to be quite honest, that is the most terrifying thing in the world. I don’t know where i’m going, yet, there is only one thing that i do know. i want to go forward.
